Best Metal Albums of 2007

Posted on December 31st, 2007
by MastaG

There are certainly more albums that deserve to be on this list, but these are the ones that really stand out for me. I can’t stop listening to them, and even after I’m done listening they stick in my head for hours. Think I forgot one? It’s very possible I didn’t even hear the album you’re thinking of (hey, I’m not made of $$$), so email me because I’d love to hear some new bands!

Honorable mentions, but for various reasons they just don’t end up on my stereo as often as the others:
Between the Buried and Me - Colors
Dillinger Escape Plan - Ire Works
Pig Destroyer - Phantom Limb

9. Dethklok - The Dethalbum
It’s hard to believe a fake death metal band could debut at #21 on the Billboard 200 chart (and become the highest charting death metal album of all time), but Brendon Small made something of a classic here. I’m a big fan of Metalocalypse, so naturally I was attracted to this album for the gag factor, but I didn’t dream it would actually be half decent metal. Aiding Brendan Small was Ulrich Wild’s superior metal production skills, and Gene “The Machine” Hoglan’s insane drums (my favorite drummer of all time, by the way).

8. Alcest - Souvenirs D’un Autre Monde
The first time I listened to this CD I was in a rushed, hasty mood, and I didn’t give it the respect it truly deserves. It only took one car ride with my attention focused on the music that I became addicted. This one man act is driven by a French dude named Neige who originally created this band as a 3 man black metal outfit, but with the release of Le Secret in 2005 he turned the band into a solo act with a complete different, almost too pleasant, direction. This album is deeply harmonic and beautiful, with more than enough heavy guitars to keep most metal fans interested, but even non-metal fans will enjoy this one.

7. The Red Chord - Prey For Eyes
These guys started off on a high note with their debut album Fused Together in Revolving Doors, yet continued to bring originality and skill with each successor. Prey For Eyes is yet another delicious mix of grind, hardcore, and death metal, leaning heavier on the death metal side this time. The album progresses in such an unpredictable manner that I still find myself noticing little twists where I think to myself “Whoa, I don’t remember that part from the last time I listened to this…. Sick!”

6. Nile – Ithyphallic
It’s all about speed. No, not methamphetamine, I’m talking about some of the fastest death metal on the planet. Nile brings turns up the metronome a little bit with each album, and Ithyphallic is no exception. They also went back to some of their early roots and included some weird Egyptian and Mesopotamian instruments.

5. Behemoth - The Apostasy
Behemoth has changed drastically over time. Their early raw black metal albums, such as From The Pagan Vastlands, aren’t really to my liking (sorry, raw black metal fans). Starting with their 1999 album, Satanica, they took on a newer and more produced death metal sound, while sticking with their black metal lyrical roots, that agreed more with my metal pallet. The Apostasy is the next mutation in the evolution of Behemoth, and I FREAKING LOVE IT!!!!!! Blast beats galore, ridiculously fast guitars, and the throaty vocals of this album will simply not get out of my head.

4. Beneath The Massacre - Mechanics Of Dysfunction
Sometimes death metal just gets monotonous and uninteresting, but occasionally a band like Beneath The Massacre breaks that barrier and adds something that no other band can replicate. This album gushes with technicality while keeping things very tight. I hope to see more of these insane Canucks.

3. Behold…The Arctopus – Skullgrid
I happened upon these guys by chance while surfing Wikipedia for mathcore bands. Sometimes this is exactly what I need; no vocals, just pure 100% insane American technical metal! My teeth uncontrollably clench at certain parts of this album!!!

2. Baroness - Red Album
As I stated in a previous post, two of my cousins are in this band, so you might think I’m biased. Well… maybe a little… but this album would have caught me by surprise no matter who was in the band. It’s rare that bands can pull off a heavy sound, yet retain an element of beauty. Baroness have held true to their sludge roots, but have fused a harmonic element into their latest concoction that has truly breathed some new life into the tired metal scene. Red Album was chosen as Album of the Year by Revolver magazine, and they deserve it!

***drumroll***

1. Devin Townsend - Ziltoid the Omniscient
There is nothing in this world more musically soothing to me than a screaming Canadian skullet man with double kick drums rolling, harmonic guitars blazing, and over the top keyboards synchronizing the entire event. This album is an operatic metal musical focusing on Ziltoid, a 4th dimensional alien in search of black coffee, the only fuel that can power his time traveling interdimensional space craft. This is the probably the silliest metal album ever created (even more so than The Dethalbum), yet Devin managed to combine all the best musical elements of every band he’s ever been in. My wife, the lovely Intergalactic Hustler, is ready to murder me because I have forced her to listen to it so many times… this CD literally did not leave my car stereo for about a month after it came out. I’m so happy with this album that I could shit out of my nostrils.


Categories: Blog Entry, Metal, Music, Review

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Blind dude plays Bach on accordion

Posted on December 29th, 2007
by MastaG

This is pretty amazing…


Categories: Blog Entry, Music, Video

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VIDEO: Cat Tape Trick

Posted on December 28th, 2007
by MastaG

Is this abuse, or just cute? Whatever… it’s hilarious! I dunno why this makes me laugh so hard… maybe it’s the red wine in my belly


Categories: Video

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Open Letter To People Who Still Write Checks At The Checkout Line

Posted on December 27th, 2007
by MastaG

O Hai People Who Still Write Checks At The Checkout Line! Get out of the way, can’t you see I’m busy and important? It’s not 1987 anymore, get a diddly-dang-dong debit card and save yourself the 48 seconds it takes to write and sign a check.

Love,
MastaG

Open Letters are posted every Thursday morning. For more, click Open Letters under Categories on the right.


Categories: Blog Entry, Open Letters

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Santa = SATAN

Posted on December 25th, 2007
by MastaG

What… it’s not like Santa or Satan exist anyway

santa equals satan comic

picture of dude showering saying “dude, santa, wtf, i know you watch people and stuff but I’m 12 and this is just wrong
picture of santa saying “shut up and keep washing if you want that wii for xmas”


Categories: Comics

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RE: Open Letter to Our Cats

Posted on December 22nd, 2007
by MastaG

The spare tire from my Volkswagen has been located!!!!

damn cat found the volkswagen tire


Categories: Blog Entry, Open Letters

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Happy Midwinter!

Posted on December 21st, 2007
by MastaG

Today is the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year in the northern hemisphere, yet sitting here at work it feels like the longest! Nature’s Graffiti wishes a happy Midwinter, DongZhi, Yule, Sabe Cele/Yalda, Soyal, Tekufat Tebet, Seva Zistane, Solar New Year, and Longest Night to everyone!!!!!!!!!!

Last year’s Midwinter post


Categories: Blog Entry

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Open Letter to Our Cats

Posted on December 20th, 2007
by MastaG

O hai our kitteh catz! I awoke this morning to find a box of pasta ripped open and scattered everywhere. Was the full bowl of gourmet dried food I gave you before I went to bed last night unsatisfactory? You also stole my tube of Vaseline lip therapy from my night stand. What the hell…. at least pasta is edible (when added to boiling water), but the Vaseline doesn’t even resemble something you can consume. I expect that I’ll find the Vaseline the next time I look under wherever you dragged it to, most likely it will have some bite marks in it from where your stupid little brains thought “Hey, maybe if we bite this plastic thing, it will become food!!!!” That’s insane. You’re catarded.

Also, why and how did you move my miniature metal Volkswagen Beetle replica across the apartment, and remove the spare tire from its trunk? If you wanna chase the laser pointer when I get home, then you little bitch nuggets better give me back my spare tire.

Love,
MastaG

Notice the missing spare tire from the front-trunk of the Beetle:

cat standing next to volkswagen toy

Open Letters are posted every Thursday morning. For more, click Open Letters under Categories on the right.


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COMIC: Cheesus

Posted on December 17th, 2007
by MastaG

cheesus loves you

Text for the visually impaired:
caption: cheesus loves you
picture: jesus with a beard made of swiss cheese


Categories: Comics

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The I. Hustler Is BACK!

Posted on December 15th, 2007
by The Intergalactic Hustler

Hello, NG readers:

I, the Intergalactic Hustler, have been out of the galaxy recently. I couldn’t get light-speed wireless on my space laptop, so I couldn’t provide the updates that you humans inevitably crave.

Well, I’m back. I’m looking for some new women for my stable. Do any of you have five butts?

Later,

I. Hustler


Categories: Blog Entry

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Open Letter to Northern Virginia SUV Drivers

Posted on December 13th, 2007
by MastaG

O hai NoVA SUV drivers! Last we met, the front bumper of your absurdly gargantuan vehicle was so close to the rear bumper of my little car that you could probably smell my farts… could the fluid-phase chemicals of the olfactory system in your nose detect the sundried tomato hummus and veggie burger I gorged on last night? You thought that 9mph over the speed limit was an unacceptable speed, so you tailed me until you could cut off a dump truck in the left lane and gun it to 103mph before slamming on your brakes at the next stoplight. You won! You won! You won! You got to the stoplight before everyone else did! But when I pulled up next to you at the stoplight, did it make you think that maybe the way you drive doesn’t get you to your destination any faster? Oh wait, that’s right, you forgot to read the statistic that says driving fast through the city only gets you to your destination faster about 3% of the time due to stoplights and traffic.

Did you know that it takes 3 times the distance to stop your 8,000lb vehicle as it does to stop mine? No, no, no, of course you didn’t know. You bought that beast only two weeks ago when you got a promotion at the law firm, because you successfully defended a rich and powerful baby rapist due to technicalities in the police arrest, and you’re too dense to understand that you’re putting everyone in danger. Dude… you’re driving a top heavy death machine… and driving it too fast.

It’s been snowing recently. Most people just slow down so they don’t end up swerving out of control and ending up in a ditch. Surely your 4WD vehicle can climb its way out of said ditch, but what about the school bus that you forced off the road and flipped over? Nah those kids are fine, they can take a beating, you should know because you can’t wait to get home and beat your kids every night. Maybe that’s why you’re in such a rush? Gotta get home to lay down a few smacks on the helpless to mask the pain of your own self-loathing?

Why do you need that giant vehicle anyway? Are you hauling a trailer any time soon? Do you have 8 children? Or do you just want people to envy you because you can afford $100 in gas every week? I don’t envy you. Nobody does. You are a self-centered buffoon with ego issues and a lead foot that will get you, and anyone else involved in the horrific crash that you will eventually cause, a one way trip to the morgue. I hate you. I hate your vehicle. I hate your insanely cute labradoodle designer dog barking at me from your backseat.

Die.

Love,
MastaG

Open Letters are posted every Thursday morning. For more, click Open Letters under Categories on the right.


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METAL VIDEO: Baroness - Wanderlust

Posted on December 11th, 2007
by MastaG

Allow me to preface my review of this video before continuing; two of my cousins are in this band. Now, that being said, Baroness is farking awesome. They are so badass that every time they play, a giant swarm of monkey sized flesh eating bats encircles the stage to protect them from the massive hordes of ladies wishing to copulate with the band members. Every once in a while a horny lady slips through the monkey-bat-barrier, and she is instantly vaporized by lasers embedded in each of the band member’s eyes. That’s how dedicated these musicians are to playing good metal. They will destroy anyone who could potentially ruin the deep, thunderous, throaty, harmonic metal sounds of Baroness.

Surely you may say that I’m biased, but considering this video debuted on Headbanger’s Ball a few nights ago, clearly I’m not! They signed with Relapse Records to make their latest album, “Red Album”, and it’s been a huge success! This video is insanely weird, but beautiful, and I don’t really understand it yet…. but related to me or not, you gotta admit, this band is the shizbang mangalang

click here to watch on youtube, or just click play below


Categories: Metal, Music, Review, Video

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