Open Letter to Northern Virginia SUV Drivers

O hai NoVA SUV drivers! Last we met, the front bumper of your absurdly gargantuan vehicle was so close to the rear bumper of my little car that you could probably smell my farts… could the fluid-phase chemicals of the olfactory system in your nose detect the sundried tomato hummus and veggie burger I gorged on last night? You thought that 9mph over the speed limit was an unacceptable speed, so you tailed me until you could cut off a dump truck in the left lane and gun it to 103mph before slamming on your brakes at the next stoplight. You won! You won! You won! You got to the stoplight before everyone else did! But when I pulled up next to you at the stoplight, did it make you think that maybe the way you drive doesn’t get you to your destination any faster? Oh wait, that’s right, you forgot to read the statistic that says driving fast through the city only gets you to your destination faster about 3% of the time due to stoplights and traffic.

Did you know that it takes 3 times the distance to stop your 8,000lb vehicle as it does to stop mine? No, no, no, of course you didn’t know. You bought that beast only two weeks ago when you got a promotion at the law firm, because you successfully defended a rich and powerful baby rapist due to technicalities in the police arrest, and you’re too dense to understand that you’re putting everyone in danger. Dude… you’re driving a top heavy death machine… and driving it too fast.

It’s been snowing recently. Most people just slow down so they don’t end up swerving out of control and ending up in a ditch. Surely your 4WD vehicle can climb its way out of said ditch, but what about the school bus that you forced off the road and flipped over? Nah those kids are fine, they can take a beating, you should know because you can’t wait to get home and beat your kids every night. Maybe that’s why you’re in such a rush? Gotta get home to lay down a few smacks on the helpless to mask the pain of your own self-loathing?

Why do you need that giant vehicle anyway? Are you hauling a trailer any time soon? Do you have 8 children? Or do you just want people to envy you because you can afford $100 in gas every week? I don’t envy you. Nobody does. You are a self-centered buffoon with ego issues and a lead foot that will get you, and anyone else involved in the horrific crash that you will eventually cause, a one way trip to the morgue. I hate you. I hate your vehicle. I hate your insanely cute labradoodle designer dog barking at me from your backseat.

Die.

Love,
MastaG

Open Letters are posted every Thursday morning. For more, click Open Letters under Categories on the right.