Open Letter to Our Cats

O hai our kitteh catz! I awoke this morning to find a box of pasta ripped open and scattered everywhere. Was the full bowl of gourmet dried food I gave you before I went to bed last night unsatisfactory? You also stole my tube of Vaseline lip therapy from my night stand. What the hell…. at least pasta is edible (when added to boiling water), but the Vaseline doesn’t even resemble something you can consume. I expect that I’ll find the Vaseline the next time I look under wherever you dragged it to, most likely it will have some bite marks in it from where your stupid little brains thought “Hey, maybe if we bite this plastic thing, it will become food!!!!” That’s insane. You’re catarded.

Also, why and how did you move my miniature metal Volkswagen Beetle replica across the apartment, and remove the spare tire from its trunk? If you wanna chase the laser pointer when I get home, then you little bitch nuggets better give me back my spare tire.

Love,
MastaG

Notice the missing spare tire from the front-trunk of the Beetle:

Open Letters are posted every Thursday morning. For more, click Open Letters under Categories on the right.