Sadly, Mrs. Green is not a fabrication. She was my high school algebra teacher. She was mean spirited, and superbly stupid. This moment in my history actually occurred:

Text for the visually impaired:
top caption: “Mrs. Green, the dumbest math teacher in history”
picture: a teacher talking to her student. the teacher says “Billy, if you don’t stop talking in class, I’m going to deduct a minus 4 from your participation grade.” And the student says “ummmm…. so if you’re deducting a minus 4, wouldn’t that mean you’re adding a plus 4?”

I love dollar store tools… I constantly lose the tools I use most (needle nose pliers, tape measures, wire cutters, etc.) so I buy the cheap stuff. I spotted this carabiner with a foam grip, and I almost passed by it until I noticed the awesome packaging. I bought this for $0.89 just to share it with you, the loyal NG reader. See how much I love you? Let’s break some of this text down… shall we?

1. “Guaranteed Forever” - Freaking sweet!!!! Where do I get my refund if I’m unsatisfied sometime in the next forever? I guess I’ll just fly to China and hunt down the obscure molding factory that this was poured in and ask for my $0.89 + tax back.

2. “Carry Tools!” - Something tells me if someone has a set of nice wrenches, they probably have a slightly more professional way to store and transport them.

3. “Shopping!” - Well, this one kind of makes sense… ok “Jumbo Snap Hook” packaging, you win this round.

4. “Walk Your Dog!” - While the top picture kind of makes sense (hooking two dog leashes to the carabiner), the second picture of the person hooking the carabiner directly to the dog collar is just insane. What the hell… who was stupid enough to take this picture? Or are the Chinese factory workers just mocking us… “you stupid Americans will buy anything, won’t you?” I’m going to just assume that whoever took this picture was trying to be funny.

5. “Mechakics Quality” - WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS A MECHAKIC??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. “Sports Gear!” - Dude, any kid that plays sports has a mesh bag for all their gear, seriously.

I love you, dollar store tools packaging. You are awesome!

O hai dust mites! I’m allergic to your poop (which is my digested dead skin). At the advice of my allergist, I clean my sheets and pillow cases every week in +120 degree water in hopes that I might murder you and your children, but you keep coming back and eating my dead skin and pooping and making me sneeze! Well I have a solution that will work out for both of us. Can you just start using the toilet? Or how about I install a microscopic toilet? It’ll be one of those awesome Japanese toilets that lights up and tells you how much fiber you need in your next meal. This will work out great… you can continue to eat my dead skin, but I won’t sneeze from inhaling your poop, and I won’t have to keep murdering you and your children every week! Deal?

Love,
MastaG

Open Letters are posted every Thursday morning (this is the first of many to come). For more, click Open Letters under Categories on the right.

Text for the visually impaired:
caption: do not trust ducks
picture: a duck saying “naw man… quack’s not addictive if you just snort it. c’mon… just try a little”