Open Letter to Devin Townsend

O hai Hevy Devy! I love you. Not in a homosexual way, or some creepy stalker way. Nay, I would defend thee against a thousand creepy stalkers, and if homosexuals weren’t so merry and non-threatening I would surely ward off the short shorts, glitter, dance music, and sexual acts that are technically illegal in my home state of Virginia (yeah, I’m serious, it’s illegal here, even for the opposite sex to enjoy).

I can’t stop listening to your music. It’s a problem. Seriously. My wife constantly protests “MastaG, pleeeeeeeeease, I can’t listen to another over-the-top operatic metal album about a 4th dimensional alien who wishes to consume the entirety of the Earth’s coffee supply.” I return with “WHAT?! We’ve only listened to Ziltoid the Omniscient five times on this car trip, and I need at least twelve repeats of this CD before I can even consider listening to the next Devin Townsend album,” and then she usually counterblasts something like “Ok, MastaG, I’m going to make this perfectly clear; I will suffocate you in your sleep if I have to listen to one more double kick drum.” Then I usually switch to Terria or Ocean Machine-Biomech because she can actually endure those albums without contemplating murdering me in some horrible fashion.

In fall of 2006, you and your wife were blessed with a son! Allow me to offer my congratulations on your first born! You will surely be awesome parents. Understandably, you quit touring to spend time with your family. It was the noblest course of action any new father could have made.

Despite quitting live shows, you released a solo album entitled Ziltoid The Omniscient, which was recorded and produced in your basement, and you used software called The Drum Kit From Hell for percussion (the “drums” sounded awesome, by the way). This hilarious yet heavy and harmonic metal album merely acted further as causation for the adoration I feel towards your music, and has thus enraged my wife by rehearing the same album over, and over, and over, and over again. If this trend continues, I guarantee that within the first year of my marriage to the lovely Intergalactic Hustler, I will be maimed, tortured, and possibly “suicided”, or worse! I like being alive, it’s pretty cool. So PLEASE continue to make music. A variety of new basement-produced Devin Townsend albums could help dull the pain that my wife currently feels, and thus save my life.

If you ever play another show again, with any band, I will travel across the omniverse to witness the act. My wife has an interdimensional space craft that I can hitch a ride on. In fact, she’s currently on a space mission to save cuddly space creatures… no doubt NOT listening to any Devin Townsend records on her voyage.

Love (again, not in a gay way),
MastaG

Open Letters are posted every Thursday morning. For more, click Open Letters under Categories on the right.